Warning: Mac Laptop, Linux VM (Red Hat) offspring not viable

So last night while watching YouTube videos on my late 2008-early 2009 MacbookPro, I noticed that the battery status suddenly plunged from 100% to X.  I keep my Mac jacked in via a Matrix-like encumberance of cables,  so as a consequence,  she stays home most of the time.  In fact, she never moves from her throne alcove.  This was not a problem for any previous laptop, including the one at work.  Clearly, something was amiss.

Upon close inspection, I realized that my Mac was, in fact,  PREGNANT!

Her battery section was swollen - so distended that she had popped out a bunch of hooks in the aluminum cover over the battery case.  The battery itself swelled open,  revealing an internal structure that could only be the growing fetus.

But - it was dead.

After a brief moment of panic I pulled myself together and immediately began emergency procedures to pull the dead battery before it could damage the Mom^H^H^HMac. Popping the cover using the built-in lever,  I released the remaining hooks.  I examined the cover;  it appeared to have weathered the strain, so I was able to return it to its original position though it seemed to wobble a bit over the empty battery bay.

Restored to life-support 110 AC, she was again functional.  By this time the nearest Apple store was closed, so I stayed with her to monitor her vitals.

Next morning I rushed her and her swollen dead battery fetus to the nearest Apple Mac store at Valley Fair Mall, conveniently located down the street from O'Conner Hospital just in case I too felt ill. Alas, to get the special emergency Mac Ambulance, one must reside in Cupertino, not San Jose.

Since I arrived early,  I got lucky and parked in a primo parking space right across from Nordstroms – straight through that store out the other side into the mall on the immediate left is the Apple Store and its attendant Genius Bar;  it's an even better parking spot than the Valet parking area.  After making my Apple Genius appointment and checking in with the concierge, we were seen immediately.  I quickly but carefully explained the situation, hoping to convey the grisly extent of my abject shock and horror.

"How could this have happened?" I wailed. " She never leaves my private subnet.  I programmed her better than that!  Mac Genius stared blankly. I babbled on, "Oh no... To run VMs, the nic has to function in promiscuous mode... I don't think it could have been the Windows VM.  Everyone knows those are impotent, only spreading viruses.  Oooooooooh, maybe a Linux Red Hat Virtual Machine?  You know what?  Those get around.  A lot.  They both speak unix dialects, and she is kinda lonely...  He could have NFS mounted so easily..."

Mac Genius finally broke in,  "I have to talk to my manager.  Your laptop is not in warranty." Apparently emergency fetal extraction is not covered under the new Obama plan,  a concession to the religious nutjobs hijacking the Republican agenda nowadays.

A few minutes later, the manager appeared.  He seemed sympathetic to my plight.  Clearly Apple is a company that believes in personal choice.  Neither the Mac Genius nor his manager had ever witnessed this issue on newer Mac Laptops.  (Mine is still quite young and attractive;  she's only been with me since January of 2009.) I don't have AppleCare and she’s out of warranty,  but after hearing my woeful tale and bearing sad witness to the pregnant, bloated dead carcass of a once charged, vibrant and functional battery wrested from a virtually untouched, pristine Mac, he relented and granted me a replacement battery free of charge!  He said it was a one-time exception, at manager's discretion.  

I wept for joy, though the loss of the offspring was quite sobering.  I would have loved the pitter patter of a Mac mini around the network.  He would return the carcass to Apple for autopsy, and ensure it received a proper disposal – dead lithium-ion polymer batteries do not go in the trash.  Hooray for Apple Customer Service! 

Upon replacing the battery, I noted that the battery cover seems to have bowed out a smidge, maybe 1/2 to 3/4 mm – obviously residual stretch marks - likely not reparable but hardly disfiguring. I spotted a screw half-out while still she was still open on the table.  Since such traumatic events can loosen the screws of even the most upgraded and well-maintained Macs, I had the trained tech tighten her up as best he could.

She’d never really be the same, but she still looked beautiful to me.  After all she endured, we were still together, which is what matters most. Tucking her gently, carefully into her rugged but softly lined and scratch-resistant Waterfield sleeve, we were ready to roll.

Arriving at my primo parking area,  I paused and observed silently as minivans and SUVs circled endlessly, tirelessly, voraciously hunting for any open parking place in the primo area.  Competition here is fierce and merciless. Traffic to this mall can back up for almost a mile on the 880 freeway; finding parking after noon on a weekend before a major holiday season is a blood sport, so it pays to drive in early.  Yet about 70 yards away, the non-primo area has plenty of available spaces.  But these drivers are hardened shopping predators who don’t want to haul their sale spoils any further than necessary; only the best will do.

Now, had I been spotted I would have been invisibly marked, claimed, stalked to my spot, then rushed out via impatient signals, possibly with flashing lights, honking or rude hand gestures.  And even without the more extreme tactics, I would still be assailed by the rancid, stomach-turning stench outgassing from a triumphant stink of entitlement: "Ha! I saw her first!" 

Why should random luck favor the aggressive and rude?  Thus moved, I determined to postpone such a fate, if only briefly.

Reversing direction, I strolled back into Nordstroms and wandered the aisles a bit, tried on some perfume,  messed with some shoes.  Returning outside I scanned again,  finally spotting a blue Porsche Carrera with a Mac-related custom license plate.  It was hopelessly trapped, helpless among much more massive SUVs and minivans, still fervently searching though clearly outweighed and outgunned.  

The Carrera’s superior acceleration and nimble handling are not advantages when trapped between larger predators at 0-5MPH.  In this world, size intimidation is what matters, and the largest bullies had staked out the whole aisle. The driver, a friendly looking patient fella with a pleading desperate smile, slouched despondent, defeated, glassy-eyed next to an oversized box dominating the passenger seat. I had found a worthy parking spot successor!  I signaled to him and he rolled down his window.

I explained to him that he had been Chosen above all others, "fairness" be damned.  I would grant my highly desirable primo parking place to him alone, solely because it is my will. He thanked me profusely, gesturing gratefully to the large unwieldy box he needed to haul inside, which upon closer glance appeared to contain a Cuisinart product destined for return.  I replied that there was no need to thank or reward me, the pleasure was all mine.  I allowed him to follow me to my spot.  Backing out slowly, I deliberately cut a sharp angle to block an oversized Hummer which had suddenly shot out opportunistically to pounce and aggressively seize the spot before my Chosen Porsche could complete his turn.  I idled protectively as he parked.  He was so happy.

I drove my Mac home.

Now she's convalescing, logged into the Sisters of Lithium and resting comfortably after her terrifying ordeal.  Maybe I'll upgrade her internal hard drive to distract her from what must have been a very painful episode.  She probably won't remember a thing, since my time machine backup drive failed a month previous.

And that Linux VM will have to run isolated to its own virtual subnet from now on.